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How Hard Can It Be_ - Jeremy Clarkson
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Help, quick – I’ve unscrewed the top on a ticking bomb

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2022-02-24 01:19:50
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  • Cover
  • Title Page
  • Copyright Page
  • Contents
  • Dedication
  • How Hard Can It Be?
    • This has been my perfect week
    • It seems it ain’t art if it ain’t ethnic – Opinion
    • First, fairy cakes – then welding, kids – Opinion
    • Oi, state birdbrains – leave our land alone
    • Give it up, Hamza – you’re too ugly
    • Skiing through the pain barrier
    • Bleep off, you’re driving me mad
    • Oi, shoppers – that’s my petrol
    • Join me in a saucy oath to Britain
    • Ruck off, you nancy Aussies
    • Time to save the world again, lads
    • Potato heads are talking rot on food
    • I’d rather hire a dog than a prostitute
    • Pricking science’s silly sausages
    • Feed them, or they’ll slash all the seats
    • A vicious Japanese loo ruined my ah so
    • Argh! I’ve fallen into a speed trap
    • It’s just a dumb animal, Mr Oddie
    • Swim with sharks – it’s easy money
    • Oi, get your hands off my lap dancers
    • Dante’s new hell: my work canteen
    • Look, Mr McChap – you’re part of Britain, so just get over it
    • Now we’re for it: we’ve stopped behaving badly
    • Working while on holiday is … wow, just look at that
    • By ’eck, our funny accents are the envy of the world
    • Peep in my wife’s knicker drawer and see what you get
    • Miss Street-Porter, I have a job for you in Cambodia
    • Hey, let’s live fast and die when ministers tell us to
    • Don’t let banks lose your money – do it yourself
    • Fingers on buzzers, you bunch of ignorant twerps
    • Play it my way, kids, and you’ll save rock’n’roll
    • Ditch the laptop and suit if you wanna stay alive, Mr Corporate
    • Take in a prisoner as a lodger and that’s two problems solved
    • Wake up and smell the coffee – tea is for morons
    • Into the breach, normal people, and sod the polar bears
    • The daddy of all idiots at your child’s school sports day
    • I’m a Tigger, he’s a Piglet, and you must be a Pooh
    • Sorry, worms, you won’t be getting a piece of me
    • The BBC’s letting loonies gag me with mink knickers
    • Ambulance, quick – some idiot’s had a brainwave
    • Save the high street – ditch bad service and ugly sales girls
    • Ring a ring o’ clipboards – we all fall down
    • The world will never be safe until Scrabble is banned
    • Run for cover – Pooh the Dark Knight is coming
    • Get another round in, lads – we’ve got some pubs to save
    • Come quick, Nurse – the NHS is going frightfully green
    • I dare you to visit Johannesburg, the city for softies
    • Class-A cocoa, the powder of choice on my crock’n’roll tour
    • I’m starting divorce proceedings in this special relationship
    • You’re a bunch of overpaid nancies – and I love you
    • Stand still, wimp – only failures run off to be expats
    • It’s pure hell in the mountainous Cotswold region
    • What a difference now I’ve stopped drinking fish fingers
    • Gordon the ass is stomping over everyone’s pets
    • Change fast, before we all gag on the fabric of British life
    • Okay, you’ve got me bang to rights – I’m a secret green
    • I’ll be right there, Sir Ranulph – must conquer the sofa first
    • Letting beavers loose in Scotland is a dam-fool idea
    • Say cheese, darling – I’ll stick on your horse’s ears later
    • Now there’s a first – my elephant has just exploded
    • No, I won’t wear a tiara, if it’s all the same to you
    • I’m not superstitious, Officer, but it’s bad karma to harry a druid
    • After three brushes with death in planes I want a parachute
    • Just one word and my T-shirt offends the whole of Japan
    • Stop, you’re digging an early grave with that garden trowel
    • The conquerors are coming, Pierre – we Brits need more land
    • Soaking up the raw emotion of the best beetroot contest
    • Nurse! The OAP mods are bashing the wrinkly rockers
    • Dr Useless, what’s the Canadian word for ‘lousy care’?
    • It’s just not fair – donkeys get all the breaks
    • Forget Antigua, 007 – all the real action is in Acacia Avenue
    • Mad Johnny Baa Lamb is here to save the pit bulls
    • Up to the waist in Brown’s slurry on my new farm
    • Help, quick – I’ve unscrewed the top on a ticking bomb
    • Cleverness is no more. It has ceased to be. This is a dumb Britain
    • I’ve got a solution for the rainforest: napalm the lot
    • Get me a rope before Mandelson wipes us all out
    • Stop the game, ref. We’re all too cross to play by the rules
    • Call me a spoilsport but I’m glad my dad wasn’t a lesbian
    • I’m so dead – shot by both sides in the website war
    • Sing about the fat man again and I’ll shoot Tiny Tim
    • The BA strike is off – so that’s many a Christmas ruined
    • So, Piggy, Buttocks and Rat – what shall we call Gordon?
  • Footnote
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