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The Onion Presents_ Christmas E - The Onion Staff
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News in Brief: Coal Now Too Expensive To Put In Christmas Stockings

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2022-02-24 02:37:56
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  • Cover
  • Title Page
  • Copyright
  • News: Sales Manager Gets A Little Crazy At Office Party
  • News in Photos: Pet Winterized
  • Statshot: Most Popular Christmas TV Specials
  • Family: Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together
  • News in Brief: Company To Get Head Start On Christmas Layoffs This Year
  • Opinion: It’ll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff
  • News in Brief: Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports
  • News: Jesus ‘Really Dreading’ This Next Birthday
  • News in Photos: Cardboard Snowflake Half-Heartedly Masking-Taped To Break-Room Door
  • News in Brief: Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production
  • Family: Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat
  • Tips: Winterizing Tips
  • Statshot: Top Temporary Holiday Stores
  • Family: Rising Home-Heating Costs Hitting Reptile Families Hardest
  • News in Brief: Parent Mad 6-Year-Old Didn’t Like Peanuts Special
  • Statshot: Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations
  • Statshot: Preparing for Winter
  • News: Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
  • Magazine
  • Hot Holiday Toys
  • News in Brief: Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas
  • News: Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
  • News in Brief: Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays
  • Statshot: The Online Shopping Boom
  • News: 95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family
  • News in Brief: Coal Now Too Expensive To Put In Christmas Stockings
  • News in Brief: Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash
  • Opinion: Another Lousy Christ-mas
  • News in Brief: MIT Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas
  • Local: Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot
  • News in Brief: Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around
  • Infographic: Furby Fever
  • American Voices: Congress’ Pre-Christmas Cuts
  • News: Out-Of-Control Revelers Deck Shit Out Of Area Halls
  • Magazine
  • News: Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
  • News in Brief: World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge
  • American Voices: Christmas Trees More Expensive
  • Opinion: Secret Santas Are For Shit
  • News in Brief: McCain Stares at Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter
  • Tips: Toy-Buying Tips for Parents
  • News in Brief: World’s Jews Celebrate Christmas With Ceremonial Re-Murdering Of Christ
  • News: Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes
  • News in Photos: Rommel, Hummel Dominate Parents’ Christmas List
  • News in Brief: Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party
  • Opinion: Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time
  • News in Brief: Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year
  • News: Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak
  • News in Brief: Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend
  • Statshot: How Are We Losing Holiday Weight?
  • News: Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift
  • News in Brief: Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children
  • Opinion: Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder
  • News in Brief: Quick, Painless Death Tops Holiday Wish List Of Local Veal Calf
  • News: Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors’ Treatment of Colds
  • News in Brief: Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time
  • News: Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5
  • Tips: Cold And Flu Prevention Tips
  • News in Brief: Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware
  • News: Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring
  • News in Brief: Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship
  • Family: Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count
  • News: 2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota
  • News in Brief: Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced
  • News: Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force
  • Statshot: Recalled Holiday Toys
  • News in Brief: Real-Life Grinch Celebrates ‘Hanukkah’
  • Opinion: The Pagan Deviltry Of The Christ’s Mass Holiday And How We Must Resist Its Temptation
  • News: Area Stores Stock Up On Shit
  • Statshot: Top Corporate Holiday Gifts
  • News in Photos: 44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree
  • News: Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic
  • News in Brief: Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas
  • Opinion: How Very Special
  • Tips: Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays
  • News: Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working
  • Tips: Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
  • Commentary: Why Can’t We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door?
  • News: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
  • News in Photos: Nobody Touching Punch At CIA Christmas Party
  • Opinion: The Times That Try Jean’s Soul
  • American Voices: Holiday Travel Plans
  • News: Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her
  • Horoscope: Your Horoscope
  • Family: Religious Cousin Ruins Family’s Christmas
  • News in Brief: Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers
  • News: Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas
  • News in Brief: Dad’s Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening
  • Opinion: It’s Christmas Time—And I’m In A Holi-Daze!
  • News: Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten
  • News in Brief: Natalee Holloway Makes New Year’s Resolution To Become Famous
  • News in Photos: Prescription Put In 2009 New Year’s Eve Glasses
  • News: Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn’t Come Out Right
  • Opinion: Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am God
  • News in Photos: Baby New Year Abandoned In Street
  • Family: Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport
  • News in Brief: Book Given As Gift Actually Read
  • News: Survival of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle
  • Opinion: It Is Not A Wonderful Life
  • Tips: Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs
  • American Voices: New Year’s Resolutions
  • News: Accountants Pack Times Square For Fiscal New Year
  • News in Brief: Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion
  • News in Brief: Child Bored With Christmas Puppy
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